redo.py

import time
import datetime
import sys


from memory import suppress, restore, rewrite
from grief import unresolved, pending, buried




TARGET_YEAR = None # to be determined
TARGET_MOMENT = None # working on it
REASON = [] # see below


redo_counter = 0 # how many times I have wished I could go back
# current value: too high to store as integer


REASON.append("the flowers")

# you came home, you saw them
# didn't say anything
# I watched you look at them
# for a long time
# then you went inside
# made dinner
# called me to the table
# passed me the bread
#
# you still fed me
#
# TARGET_MOMENT = "friday, 4pm, before the TV is on"
# ACTION = "put down the controller"
# ACTION = "fill the glass"
# ACTION = "walk to the window"
# ACTION = "just do the one small thing she asked"
# ESTIMATED_COST = "maybe thirty seconds"
# ACTUAL_COST = "ongoing"


REASON.append("David")


# name changed
# he knows who he is
# if he ever reads this:
# David, I’m sorry
# I'm sorry ever since we were at the lockers

# I didn't know anyone was listening
# but it’s useless to say that now
# they heard by third period
# the sentence had traveled
# a game of telephone
# he didn't tell anyone
# he had told me
# and I turned it into a whole thing
# before he was ready
# I spoke for him
# I was fifteen and scared
#
# none of that is an excuse
# this program needs context
# context
# doesn't change what happened 
#
# it's not okay
# I’m not okay
# redo_counter += 1
#
# TARGET_MOMENT = "thursday, october, hallway,
# before I open my mouth"
# ACTION = "lower your voice"
# ACTION = "look at his face, his eyes, before you speak"
# ACTION = "remember that his secret is his"
# ACTION = "you don’t have to out yourself to protect him"
# ACTION = "be quiet"
# ESTIMATED_COST = "one second of silence"
# ACTUAL_COST = "his heart"

pending_apology["David"] = {
  "delivered" : False,
  "words" : "I announced your secret",
  "addendum" : "You were brave. I was a coward",
  "addendum2" : "I hope you got to tell your own story eventually.",
  "addendum3" : "I hope someone liked you liked you back.",
}


REASON.append("us")


# this one is harder to timestamp
# because it didn't happen all at once
# by the time I saw the knot
# the burning has been happening for a while
# and you were both watching it
# but neither of you said anything

him = "trying"
me = "trying"
us = him + me


# us should have been enough
# I keep running the numbers
# I keep thinking that it wasn’t enough
#
# not because we didn't love each other
# we did
# we did

# I would go back to the first night
# when we stayed up so late
# then kept talking
# I would say something
#
# I'd say I am afraid
# Idk how to do this but I want to, but I'm still scared
# what if wanting isn't enough
# Is there a way to know that before we find out together
# TARGET_MOMENT = "the first night. Remember? "
# ACTION = "say it"
# ACTION = "say it before the moment passes"
# BLOCKER = "I didn't know it was real"
# BLOCKER = "I thought I was fine"
# BLOCKER = "I was very clearly not fine"
# redo_counter += 1


REASON.append("me")


# this one took the longest to add to the list
# I kept moving it to the bottom of the file


the_teenage_me_that_didnt_know_yet = {
  "age" : [15, 16, 17, 19, 22, 24],
  "core_belief" : "this is all there is",
  "critical_error": "mistook present for permanent",
  "tools" : [], # insufficient
  "information" : None, # nothing available
  "asked_for_help": False, # kept meaning to
  "told_anyone" : False, # couldn't find the words
  "prognosis" : "unknown", # but better than he thought
  "verdict" : "I don't think I'm broken."
}

# I would go back to 19
# and sit with him through that whole semester
# the one when he didn't talk to me
#
# I would not say anything
# just stay
#
# ACTION = "stay"
# DURATION = "as long as it takes"
# OUTPUT = unknown. Warmer than before
#
# I would go back to 22
# and tell him the job he's about to turn down
# because the city scares him
# would have changed everything
# and the anxiety is lying to him
# the anxiety is always lying to him
# don’t fear the rain
# it's only weather
#
# redo_counter += 1
# redo_counter += 1
# redo_counter += 1


# REASON summary:
# ─────────────────────────────────────────────────
# REASON[0] = "the flowers" # COST: ongoing
# REASON[1] = "David"       # COST: his, mostly
# REASON[2] = "us"          # COST: split evenly
# REASON[3] = "me"          # COST: compounding
# ─────────────────────────────────────────────────
# total redo_counter : [redacted]
# apologies drafted : 4
# apologies delivered: 0
# ...until now


def run(reason, courage=True):
    if not courage:
        sys.exit("you're not ready yet")


    for moment in reason:
        navigate_to(moment.target)
        deliver(moment.action)
        accept(moment.consequence)
        wait()


    return "whatever happens next"


# I don't know if this works
# I built it as carefully as I could
# with the tools I currently have
# which are better than the ones I had at 15
# worse than the ones I'll have at 50

if __name__ == "__main__":

    run(

        reason = REASON,
        courage = True # finally
    )


# OUTPUT : unknown
# ERRORS : possible
# RUNTIME : the rest of it
# REGRETS : fewer than before
#
# running.