Of course I know you love me,
You didn’t have to stay.
But when I was at my worst,
You loved me anyway.
You held your arms out to me,
And said, “do what you will”,
But somewhere in the loving embrace,
You forgot that doctrine, still.
And I don’t fault you for it,
Love can do that to a man,
It makes you contradict yourself,
And hold on while you can.
We used to play pretend as kids,
With fingers shaped like guns,
Bang, bang! Cops and robbers,
That game was so much fun.
But somewhere the game kept going
Far past when it should,
My finger pointed at my head
Long before I understood.
The stage was set before us,
With curtains always drawn,
It didn’t matter if I wasn’t ready,
The show must go on.
Then the grown-ups wore down,
Behind unconvincing smiles,
Performing joy on borrowed time,
Applauding between the aisles
I am tired of the itching in my costume,
I am tired of putting on a show,
I’m tired of smiling at an audience
Filled with people I don’t know.
You love me, of course I know that.
Your love is true and real.
But love cannot renegotiate,
The reality of how I feel.
You don’t have to feel guilty,
And in fact, you should be proud
Because you loved me past your principles.
You loved me out loud.
But the world I face is so much more
Than the love of even you,
So I need you to forgive yourself
For what your love couldn’t do.
The debt is blinding like a stratus fog
The mirror is far from kind
And all that love you saved up for me,
Is not enough to change my mind
Sometimes there is no more to give.
And honestly, that’s okay.
The kindest thing that your love can do,
Is to let me find my way.
I was never built for make-believe,
And I think deep down you knew.
That some things live long past loving,
And I was one of those things too.
You said, “Do what you will”,
Even now, your love is never-ending
My finger gun is still pointed at my head.
I wish I was still pretending.